Life After Divorce | The New Me Mom

Over 30% of Americans experience an anxiety disorder of some kind. Anything from having phobias to financial troubles to family trauma. I have had anxiety for what feels like years. Nothing that I’ve listed and not all the time, just at certain times in my life. When I was a hairstylist, sometimes having a difficult client would give me anxiety. When I was married, I had anxiety when my ex-husband would give me the silent treatment for no reason. And now, my autistic son gives me all sorts of anxiety. It’s a stress I try to push down and push through to the next thing or the next trigger he has. Today…today was supposed to be great. I got my children early from their dad so I could take them to see the “Sensory Santa” we signed up for at our local mall. I drove 30 minutes having anxiety the whole time knowing how my son has been in past years seeing Santa Clause. Trying to have the best attitude with no expectations we went into the mall. Got there 3 minutes early and we are the only ones, the first ones there. At first my son was excited to see the set up. Then we were told they were having a hard time “finding” Santa, so we should go in to explore Santa’s sleigh. It all went downhill from there. There was a snow machine you can control and other fun buttons to push; we didn’t even get to that part though. My son had such bad sensory issues with the fake snow already on the ground, and all over his feet, he started melting down. We were then told that Santa wasn’t coming. We drove all that way for this special sensory time where it would be no lines, no hustle, and just a quiet time for our special need’s kids to finally have a moment just for them. 40 families disappointed! 40! The other parents like me, also with anxiety going into what very well can be a fight or flight moment. The other children with special needs having to try something new and step out of their own comfort zone. I was heartbroken for my children and the other families that had planned to come. However, I was relieved. My stomach was in knots the whole way driving there, not sure what was going to transpire once we did get there.

My neurotypical child wasn’t even disappointed. Her attitude was truly what I needed to get us through the morning. And my son was just happy to go along for the car ride after all. We were going to be missing church this morning because of this event too but we made it to the 9:30am service just a few minutes late. Typically, my son has a buddy at our usual 8am service and I already knew 9:30 would be a struggle and one more thing to give us all anxiety but I messaged our children’s pastor ahead of time and she said she would be there to look in on him. Full disclaimer…If you knew our church and how busy it gets at 9:30am, it would give anyone anxiety. We went in, he didn’t want to go into a new class of course so I put him in his regular classroom. Not even 10 minutes later I got a message telling me he was “doing great!”

All the buildup of anxiety over things my son may or may not be able to put up with can be gut wrenching. I know how it feels on the inside for myself but because my son in non-verbal I just have to read the signs of his behavior to show me how he just isn’t able to tolerate the circumstances. My daughter has been let down so many times with having to leave somewhere early she wants to be, or knows we just aren’t even able to make it inside due to the look of anxiety on my son’s face. She’s a trooper and I’m forever grateful for the kind heart she has towards her brother. I can’t imagine having to be so selfless as a 10-year-old, but she does it without a fight and no complaints.

Yes, today had so much worry that could have ruined our day, but it turned out to be a pretty great day. And my son’s day was made by our dear church community. Even one of the men that helps in our church parking lot. Our car was parked right outside the church doors, but he still gave us a ride around the parking lot on one of the golf carts. The smile on my son’s face was worth all of 5 minutes on that ride.

For anyone with anxiety, I sincerely empathize with you and pray for you. I see how for some it can be overwhelming or even debilitating and its heartbreaking. For my sweet boy, I pray for him daily and that God gives him a sense of peace to tolerate and work through things that may be out of his control. He has to work much harder than the rest of us to process his emotions but I’m a super proud mama for how far he has come.

So, what do you think anxiety is best explained as? There is no simple answer or case for anyone unfortunately. ❤️

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7