Life After Divorce | The New Me Mom

It’s 12:06am. I’m on, what I think is day 4 of just can’t sleep. I can fall asleep fine but wake up after about an hour wide awake. No reason, just awake. Not stressed, not feeling anxious, just can’t fall back asleep for hours.

It’s January 5th. “New Year New You,” is not my favorite saying but there is some truth to that. I started this blog a year ago this month. I’m not sure how I wanted it to start or what I envisioned for it to be focused on but I think initially I needed an outlet to tell my story. My story of divorce, my story of being a single mom, my story of my son’s autism diagnosis. But its evolved into so much more than that. I went back and read some of my posts recently and I can see how much I’ve grown just in the past year. I had some resentment I was holding onto, maybe some bitterness but ultimately my faith has grown in myself, others, and what the future is supposed to look like. I was denied relocation from being able to move from Tennessee back to Nebraska in March and was devastated. I didn’t know how I was going to live or survive being alone with no family. My friends stepped in and stepped up. And I could probably tell you I have about 15 more solid friendships I could call on now if I really needed help. I have some really great neighbors that check in on me from time to time too, which I never could have imagined. I complained about the “bubble” we live in down here but this “bubble” that I’m surrounded by has comforted me and made me feel safe when I felt lost and alone so many times. The bubble that used to be the “keeping up with the Jones’” is now a bubble that’s my safe place. It’s not the same, it doesn’t even look remotely the same. But its where I have found my place this last year.

Some things happened in the fall where maybe it felt like God stepped in and said “I have something better for you, but I need you to work on you first.” People were taken out as fast as they came in and it really forced me to focus on me and since then I have really been working on myself. Still in therapy, not as much as I could be but I still have it if I really am having a hard day. Even my therapist said from where I started to where I am, my outlook on life has been so different. And where I didn’t think I could or would ever want to be married or even date again, I now know I deserve that happiness. It might be five years from now but at least I am open to it. This was really hard for me. Letting my guard down to be vulnerable enough to talk about the past and what I won’t put up with or what I can’t tolerate for my future self. And just knowing my self worth.

I started working out in October, something I hadn’t done for myself in a long time. Made all the excuses for it costing too much or having pain from when I was pregnant with my son, but honestly having something else to focus on when I have these weeks alone, its been a life saver and something I look forward to. I purged anything in my home, aside from sentimental things like pictures and art from my kids, that reminded me of my old life where I wasn’t happy. I stopped trying to feel defined by what others would think of me and the shame of being divorced and started living for me. I’m still thinking about this book that God has been putting on my heart that I should write but not sure where to even start. And maybe that’s just what I need to do is “start.”

So, why am I still waking up if life looks good and feels good? I should be sleeping like a baby.

This bible verse showed up in my Facebook memories from today, 14 years ago…

So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and in his good time he will honor you. Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about what happens to you. 1 Peter 5: 6-7.

Guess that’s what I’ll be doing for now. Giving all my subconscious worries to Him. Whatever they may be. ♥️