Life After Divorce | The New Me Mom

Ever feel like you’ve failed?? Failed at a job or task at work? Failed your spouse? Failed your children?

I can honestly say I’ve done all of these. Years ago I had a job as a server at a popular and very busy bar. This was in my early 20’s. I didn’t want to serve, I wanted to bartend. But all the men got the bartending positions. It was a super busy Friday night and one of the other servers wasn’t quite doing her job. A table that wasn’t my own stopped me and said “the ceiling seems like its leaking…can you do something about it?” I was just irritated and annoyed and I think to be honest I forgot they stopped me. Well, I was reprimanded and fired the next day on the spot when I came in. I was told I had a “bad attitude”. That job is only memorable now because I failed.

Failing my spouse? Yes but he failed me too. Failed to hold up his end of the bargain when things got bad. For those of you that don’t know my story…things got bad with us every other year. I was told everything was always my fault. He would gain weight, it was my fault. He would lose his wallet and keys, also my fault. He would spend too much money while I was out of town with the kids, again…my fault. And of course the reason we were getting divorced was all my fault. I was always reminded I was a failure because I would quit things I started and never finish. For instance I started a clothing company called “Happy Moon Clothing”. The description read: “Clothing for little Christ followers” because the shirts I made had Bible verses printed on them. I started this small business and didn’t succeed because I ran out of money. My mom fit the bill for the initial deposit of printing and merchandise but I had to come up with the rest on my own. I was working a part time job while taking care of my one child at the time while my husband was never home and always traveling. I just wanted something of my own and to feel like I had a purpose in doing something I enjoyed. All of this without the support of my husband who never really thought it would ever amount to anything anyways. He never gave me a penny for this “pipe dream” of mine. In the last weeks of our marriage he called me a failure to my face. Telling me I had nothing to bring to the table. I was a stay at home mom and I “brought nothing to the table”. I’m raising our kids!! But that’s where I fell short I suppose. I wasn’t paying enough attention to him.

Failing my children? I really struggle with this one. If you look up the meaning of the word “failure” you’ll find some words like: defeat, screw up, let down, disaster, miscarriage. I’ve been pregnant 5 times. I’ve only carried two babies to term. Those two that made it, I’m sure I’m failing them daily in their eyes. I like to think I’m doing a pretty good job all things considered after these last couple years. Yes I can be hard on my daughter who is 8 years old but I don’t like to be disrespected especially when she knows the difference. I think right now she has some moments of where she’s acting out cause she can’t be that vulnerable at her dads house. I absolutely would rather have her fall apart and let it all go at my house versus his. I want to be the one to love and nurture her little Christian heart at the end of the day. I want my home to always feel like the “home” that she deserves. So failing for her isn’t much of an option. I refuse to fail with my daughter. She needs someone strong and stable in her life. My son as well. I will always be the biggest advocate for him. He is non verbal which means he can’t speak. He has no words. He has some vowel sounds in his vocabulary but that’s all. He’s autistic. He is in speech therapy twice a week, feeding therapy, and occupational therapy. We also have something called ABA therapy and they come in 4 hours a week to our house. Its a full time job in itself, just his schedule. Now if my son, who is just now learning to sign to communicate, gets mad because I don’t understand him then I just failed as a mom for him. Its my one and only job in his eyes to speak for him because he can’t. I have to be intentional and attentive in every communication he and I have otherwise I’m failing him all day long.

So if you think you’ve failed at work or failed a task and you just keep dwelling on it, think about where you’ve succeeded instead of failed. Think about the accomplishments you’ve made. Your successes trump the failures so many times over. No need to dwell on things you can’t change.

If you feel like you’re failing in your marriage, seek out a counselor. There should never be any shame for getting help to save something worth saving. I know mine was way past helping but my spouse also wasn’t willing to do the work. So don’t give up! God will meet you where you are and he wants your marriage to succeed more than anyone.

For the parent that struggles with your children and feels that heavy burden of failure, give yourself grace. None of us are perfect. We all try so hard to be but maybe next time when you feel you’ve failed, take a step back and give yourself some time to maybe learn a calm approach and be patient with them. It doesn’t hurt to try. As much as we feel our own struggles, imagine how heavy they feel it too.

And for the parent who doesn’t have any earthside children. I empathize with you, more than you can imagine. I’ve had 3 miscarriages. And if you’ve had one then you know how it feels to just feel like you’ve failed. Keep praying. If its something that has been on your heart, God hears your cries. He wants you to trust him. It will all happen in his perfect timing.♥️